Tag: marriage

GLORIFYING THE PERVERSE WHILE REJECTING THE PROPER

Neal Pollard

On the front page of today’s Section C (Colorado Style) in the Denver Post, there is what is undoubtedly meant to be a heartwarming story of love between Ned and Sara.  Except that Ned is now Koko, a man who contends he identifies himself as a woman.  Ned also is attracted to women, so he considers himself a lesbian.  The piece subtly contains the barb that if he had an operation, he and Sara could “only have a civil union.” As it is, they can be legally married and all because of anatomy.  The clear implication is that our current laws unfairly exclude homosexuals and discriminate against them.  With complete sympathy, writer Claire Martin gushes at this “unconventional trip to the altar” that will culminate in their July wedding–both of whom will be brides wearing bridal gowns (C1,C8).

Speaking against such thinking and behavior as this is increasingly unpopular.  In a “live and let live” world, whose inhabits decry and detest judging behavior as right or wrong, calling scenarios like the one presented in the article perverse is considered unacceptable. An agenda-driven media, as well as other, like-minded institutions, continue to foist homosexuality and perversity upon the “consumer.”  Not only is it promoted, it is normalized, dignified, and even glamorized.  Through such relentless publicity, so many are becoming desensitized and callused to what is advocated.  Interestingly, people get more comfortable with perversion but get quite uncomfortable with any denouncement or disapproval of perversion.

Consider Paul’s warning to the church at Ephesus (Eph. 4:17-24).  Nonbelievers can be found “walking” (manner of life) with a mind set on valueless and useless things.  The result of such thinking and living is moral darkness, spiritual death, ignorance, hardness of heart, shamelessness, an insatiable desire for pleasure, and a craving for what is wicked and lewd.  Paul contrasts the thinking of the world with those who have “learned Christ.” We are not to be corrupted by deceptive desires.  We are taught the truth, which leads to a new mind, a new man, and a new morality.

That means we should be able to distinguish between the normal and the perverse, the proper and the improper.  This will be more important as the world continues to lose its grip on such distinctions. We must keep our bearings!

CONDITIONAL LOVE

And she still loves us anyway!

Neal Pollard

In every area of life I can think of, conditions are necessary.  Contracts almost always contain clauses, caveats, and quid pro quos.  Jesus even provided conditions for the marriage “contract,” allowing one whose mate commits fornication to divorce and remarry an eligible person (Mat. 19:9) or one whose mate dies to marry an eligible person (Rom. 7:1-4).  Though making no allowance for remarriage, as some say, Paul does add that one does not have choose marital obligations to a mate over Christ (1 Cor. 7:15).  Further, one is not required to remain in a situation where abuse and physical danger is a viable threat either to that one or whatever children are involved, even if such reprehensible conduct does not allow the victim the right of remarriage (cf. Mat. 5:32; 19:9).  Love does not act unbecomingly (1 Cor. 13:5), and those who are lazy, lustful, selfish, demeaning, wrathful, and the like may bear the fruit of disdain and distance from a fed-up or heart-broken spouse.

That said, there is an alarming amount of “conditional love” that defies sympathy.  Through the years, I have known those before and after marriage who made the physical weight and appearance of their loved one a condition of their love.  For others, it was money or salary.  For others still, it was social status and social-climbing.  Perhaps, with some brainstorming, we could grow this list of “provisos” much longer.  This approach to “love” that says “I will love you if…,” “I will love you when…,” “I will love you unless…,” or “I will love you until” runs contrary to the spirit of Christ.  He is the standard of love.  Husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25).  Wives are to be taught to demonstrate selfless love to their husbands, too (Ti. 2:4).

Consider Christ’s love.  He loved us when we were helpless, sinful enemies (Rom. 5:6-10).  He loved us before we loved Him (1 Jn. 4:19).  He continues to love us, though we fall short (Rom. 3:23; 8:38-39).  That does not mean that He will unconditionally save us, but the Bible’s clear indication is that He will continue to love us no matter what.  Certainly, that will revolutionize our thinking as a Christian, but we should allow it to revolutionize our earthly relationships.  As John says, “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 Jn. 4:11).

Musings From The 20-Year-Vista

Neal Pollard

There is nothing quite like hiking up a Colorado mountain and seeing the “payoff.”  There can be meadows and easy, level stretches, but there are also steep uphill strains and downhill gallops that are physically and mentally challenging.  At times, you even have to stop to get a breather.  But, any complaints and aggravation melts away from that mountaintop view.  Whether the Crags with the Vaughts, Bergen Peak and Bierstadt Lake Trail with the Autreys, Hays Creek Falls with the Raburns, or Herman’s Gulch with a bunch of Christian friends, there are so many beautiful views en route to the summit.

It seems to me that marriage is so much like that.  Sure, there are strains and difficulties, starts and stops, but there are payoffs along the way and such an ultimate payoff in persevering to the “top.”  Just as there can be such an education about nature along the way of the hike, there is such an education about what it means to be married while climbing the road of life.  Here are a few things I have learned, looking back on 20 wonderful years of marriage to Kathy.

  • “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong” are not easy, but are essential, to say.  Often.
  • We can learn to enjoy each other’s diversions, interests, and hobbies.
  • Quantity time is quality time.
  • Together beats alone, hands down–for vacation, recreation, occupation, etc.
  • Sticking together, whatever adversities and trials come (and they will come…to everybody), are so worth it that there are no words to describe it.
  • Two lives can become so intertwined–through your children, your friends, your co-workers, your church family, etc. It is an amazing part of the wisdom of God!
  • Intimacy is a word that grows in power and meaning with every new day.
  • You will forever be “figuring out” your mate.
  • In some regards neither of you changes, but in most ways you both do.
  • God is the only “glue” guaranteed to hold together and grow a happy marriage!

What an awesome conclusion God reached when He said at the creation, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). With similar sentiment, the inspired Paul wrote, “In the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman” (1 Cor. 11:11).  From my vantage point, that truth makes for such a beautiful view!

King Solomon’s Deadly Mistake

Neal Pollard

Laura Elliott, first grade Bible class teacher at the Cold Harbor Road congregation, was teaching my son Dale’s class about king Solomon’s three hundred wives and seven hundred concubines, about how not only was it wrong to have so many wives but how difficult it must have been for Solomon to keep up with all of their names. Laura tells me that Dale’s solution was simple: “Couldn’t he just call them all ‘honey’?” If only keeping up with their names was Solomon’s most serious task with regard to these women!

Reading 1 Kings 11, right off the heels of Solomon’s hosting of the Queen of Sheba and the extremely opulent exchange of gifts between them, we are impressed with an incredible flaw in Solomon’s character. Perhaps Ecclesiastes was written later enough in his life after 1 Kings 11 that he realized, with regret, the folly of such a lifestyle. Consider some things about Solomon’s deadly mistake.

First, his mistake was in whom he had such great affection (1 Kings 11:1-2). They were foreign women from nations with whom God explicitly forbad such fraternization! God knew that such worldly yoking would lead men to fall away from Him (cf. 2 Cor. 6:14; 1 Cor. 15:33). Be careful as to who is the object of your affection – choosing wrong is a deadly mistake!

Second, his mistake was in how he held them in affection (1 Kings 11:1-2). These women of the world were apparently beautiful and seductive. The word for “love” in these two verses speaks more to physical attraction and very little, if at all, to pure, spiritual love. It might be said that Solomon pursued these women from lust. From his own pen, he wrote of how dangerous such pursuit is (Prov. 5; 6:24-35; 7:5-27; etc.). To follow his example today is a deadly mistake!

Third, his mistake was in what his affection for them led him to do (1 Kings 11:3-10). It led him to worship the idols revered by these pagan women. It also led him to ignore God’s commands and even outright rebel against them! The natural consequence of following in his footsteps is the same today – a choice must be made. Choosing the path of sensuality prevents one from obeying God. Obeying God makes it impossible to, at the same time, pursue such a sinful path. Choose like he did, and you make a deadly mistake!

Finally, his mistake was in what his affection for them cost him (1 Kings 11:11). His pursuit of these women cost him the kingdom! God took it from him through the rebellion of Jeroboam and the folly of Rehoboam, his son.

Following Solomon’s example is costly! It will often cost one dearly – financially, socially, and physically. Lacking repentance, it will surely cost one eternally! Yet, so many are imitating Solomon’s deadly mistake!

May we take a page from inspiration and learn from Solomon’s deadly mistake.


The “Three Year Glitch”

Neal Pollard

Does it ever seem like the information age, our current age of technological advances, is all-consuming?  It has, according to a new survey, even impacted the attention span the average person gives to his or her mate once married.  The proverbial “seven year itch,” for years a benchmark test of a relationship when romance and passion were eclipsed by annoyances and mundanity, has shrunk with society’s attention span and attention to the other’s needs as more important than self’s.

The survey of over 2000 Britons, a study commissioned by Warner Brothers, found that work, financial worries, and other facets of “hard work” in a relationship were leading couples these days more quickly to boredom and aggravation with one another.  Often, this has led to couples wanting more time apart from one another.  Too often, it has led to marital infidelity.  Detractions and annoyances in relationships leading to this “3-year-glitch” include such things as weight gain and lack of exercise, hygiene issues, in-laws, money (spending too much or too little), alcohol, snoring, lack of romance, fashion lapses, and more (some information from Reuters.com).

As we step back from this study, we can observe several things.  First, these relational trends reflect society’s general worldview.  Materialism and plenty, when focused and consumed upon self, can quickly lead to boredom.  Second, these relational issues are like the poor–“they are always with us” (cf. John 12:8).  They exist from the day we walk down the aisle together and embark on the honeymoon.  They are typically no worse at 50 years than they were at 50 seconds into the relationship.  That means that, each day we live in married life together, we must continually remind ourselves of all that’s good in our mate and of all that drew us to him or her in the first place.  Marriage is not a license to let up but instead to lather up what was done in courting.  How dishonest to act one way to “get” someone and another once we “got ’em.”  Third, marriage must be viewed as a marathon rather than a 40-yard-dash.  Our lives are filled with change and stages, and God’s people learn to adjust and grow with them.

May we be dedicated to building the “All Our Years Rich” trend.  Whether God gives us only a few years together or 60 or 70, let us resolve to spend the time building up our mate and helping them go to heaven.  That will scratch any itch and fix any glitch!

DANIEL AND SUSAN BAKEMAN

Neal Pollard

In the annals of American history there is a remarkable story you may not know.  Daniel Bakeman was born on October 9, 1759.  He married Susan Brewer on August 29, 1772, though not yet a teenager.  Soon thereafter, he joined the American army during the Revolutionary War.  Not only did he survive the war, he lived almost another 100 years.  When he died on April 5, 1869, he was most likely the last surviving veteran of the war that made us a country.  He lived about four years after the end of the Civil War.  As remarkable as that distinction is, he also was part of another world record that still stands to this day.  His marriage to Susan lasted until September 10, 1863, when she passed away.  That means the Bakemans were married for 91 years and 12 days!

I cannot find anything about the details of that marriage, though they left many descendants who carry, through various spellings of the family name, the names Bachman, Beckman, Bakeman, Bateman, and even Baker (genealogytrails.com).  Various archives indicate that Mr. Bakeman was spry and humorous to the end and that Mrs. Bakeman exhibited needlework she had done without the aid of glasses when she was 102.  They lived and died in a town called Freedom, and Mr. Wakeman holds the distinction of having voted in every election from Washington to Grant!

As remarkable as his military distinction is, his marriage distinction deserves higher honor.  He fought in and survived a war that lasted less than ten years.  He endured hardships, who knows how many ups and downs, and undoubtedly some trying marital moments en route to almost a century of marital bliss.  They were together to the end, an exaggerated example of commitment and highest love.

You will almost certainly fail to break the Bakemans’ record for length of marriage, but you might exceed what they enjoyed for depth and breadth.  What are you doing to build upon the highest love for your spouse?  What daily investments are you making?  Your marriage will be remembered by those who know you.  How it will be remembered is something over which you exert full control.  Make it a legacy of lasting love!