Understanding Biblical Self-Esteem and its Impact on Relationships
In sixth grade, some girls in my class had a funny habit of comparing boys to items on the McDonald’s menu. They compared a charming heartthrob to a Big Mac with juicy all-beef patties, special sauce, crisp lettuce, and melted cheese. I asked one of the girls, the one who was my crush, how I was perceived. After a brief examination, she said, “I suppose you are a cheeseburger.” It hurt. I wasn’t even a Quarter Pounder! In her eyes, I barely managed to scrape by, with a rating just slightly higher than the lowest option on the menu.
In sixth grade, children experience significant psychological development related to their interactions with peers and the understanding of social dynamics. Boys realize that “cooties,” a childhood term for fictitious germs or contamination, do not affect girls. My female classmates began to notice the newfound charm in the naughty boys who had previously repulsed them with their antics. Clearly, I gave too much importance to what that girl told me, but something detrimental happened that day. I allowed those girls to make me believe I was perceived as less desirable, indicating that I might not be their preferred choice in future relationships.
On that day, I imagined being the regretful purchase of a woman struggling to make ends meet. She might not have felt confident enough to show me off to her friends because she didn’t think I was special. I wasn’t even part of a Happy Meal! Perhaps she planned to sit in her car, discreetly enjoying a modest snack, feeling self-conscious about being seen.
Some of you, mainly those close to me, may be concerned about my words and want to offer me support. However, I have no apologies to make. I have inhabited this body for nearly fifty years and have substantial expertise. Certain personal aspects may be challenging for others to understand, and I don’t intend to elicit sympathy or guilt. I’m drawing from individual experiences to illustrate the direct influence of low self-esteem on one’s capacity to form meaningful connections with others. It’s not easy for me to talk about, but sharing my experience can help others going through something similar.
Philosophers, psychologists, and theologians have discussed the interplay between self-esteem, self-love, and the ability to love others. Nathaniel Branden, a significant figure in the field of self-esteem psychology, emphasized in his work how crucial self-esteem is for psychological well-being. Branden argued that low self-esteem causes individuals to seek validation from others, which impairs their ability to form healthy relationships.
Swiss philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau explored the concepts of “amour propre” and “amour de soi.”
The latter is a purely instinctual and natural form of self-love, whereas the former is pride-driven. I think Rousseau would use the term “amour de soi” to describe the kind of love that the Apostle Paul said should exist between husbands and wives (Ephesians 5.29). Paul stated that a husband should nourish his wife as if it were as natural as caring for his own body. Conversely, “amour propre” can lead to harmful behaviors and a dependence on others’ opinions, hindering genuine relationships.
In “Nicomachean Ethics,” Aristotle discusses the concept of self-love. He argues that a proper form of self-love, where one seeks one’s own true good and virtuous life, is essential for healthy relationships. According to Aristotle, only those who love themselves rightly can love others properly.
However, we are interested in what the Bible says, not just the words of philosophers and academics. Within Christian thought, loving others as oneself is rooted in biblical teachings, such as those of the Apostle Paul. He taught us that having the mind of Christ means esteeming others first before considering ourselves (Philippians 2.3ff). God teaches us that what matters most is how He perceives us. Authors like C.S. Lewis have discussed how understanding God’s love for humanity can help individuals see their worth and genuinely love others.
If you suffer from self-esteem issues, I suggest a few practical applications. Try always to remind yourself that what matters is how God sees you. Remind yourself of your worth in His eyes. He loved you so much that He sent His Son to die for your sins (John 3.16). Surround yourself with positivity! (Philippians 4.8). When you are hard on yourself, the last thing you need is to tack on negativity. And don’t forget to pray. Peter reminds us to cast our anxieties on God through prayer (1 Peter 5.7).
Developing healthy self-esteem is crucial for nurturing positive relationships with others. A strong sense of self-worth improves our ability to show love and compassion to others. By understanding and accepting ourselves, we strengthen our capacity to offer empathy and acceptance to others. Jesus’s teaching of loving others as ourselves (Matthew 22.39) underscores the difficulty of showing unconditional love to others when we have challenges in loving ourselves.
The Preacher Pollard Blog 