Category: friendship

“My Huckleberry Friend” 

Friday’s Column: Brent’s Bent

Brent Pollard

Having a friend that we can confide in and rely on for sound advice is invaluable, but we should be picky about who we choose as friends. Solomon says, “The righteous person is a guide to his neighbor, But the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (Proverbs 12.26 NASB). 

Thus, we will begin with those negative characteristics Solomon says one should avoid when befriending people. Do not befriend: 

  • A gossip (Proverbs 20.19). 
  • The short-tempered (Proverbs 22.24-25). 
  • Drunks and gluttons (Proverbs 23.20-21). 
  • The “unsteady” (Proverbs 24.21-22). [To fully understand this, you may need to check the Hebrew. For example, in one translation, a person “given to change” may join “rebellious officials” in another. This difference is because the Hebrew “shanah” implies repetition (“to repeat, do again”). So, Solomon speaks of those not willing to grow from their mistakes or have fickle loyalties. Hence, such people are unstable in their ways.] 
  • Liars (Proverbs 25.18). 
  • The untrustworthy (Proverbs 25.19). 
  • The inconsiderate (Proverbs 25.20). 
  • The violent (Proverbs 1.10-19). 

Those whom Solomon says to befriend comprise a shorter list. Befriend those: 

  • Who display wisdom (Proverbs 13.20). 
  • Who will point you in the right direction (Proverbs 13.14). 

In addition to telling us who to befriend and who to shun, Solomon gives us wisdom about how we can be better friends with others. This wisdom begins with telling us to avoid certain disruptive practices.  

  • Don’t repeat everything you hear (Proverbs 17.9). 
  • Avoid senseless arguments (Proverbs 14.14). 
  • Don’t overstay your welcome (Proverbs 25.17). 
  • Don’t intrude on others’ arguments (Proverbs 26.17). [Solomon likens this to yanking a dog’s ears.] 
  • Don’t call mistakes and misdeeds a failed attempt at humor (Proverbs 26.18-19). [“I was joking!”] 
  • Don’t gossip (Proverbs 26.20). [Look up Socrates’ three filters: Is it true? Is it good? Is it useful?.] 
  • Don’t be cranky (Proverbs 26.21). 
  • Don’t be inconsiderate (Proverbs 27.14). 

According to Solomon, then, these are the causes of discord among friends. It may be difficult to recover a friend’s trust if they have lost faith in us. Solomon warns, “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars” (Proverbs 18.19 NLT). Solomon, though, advises those of us who have harmed our relationships. If we need to repair a friendship, we must: 

  • Get our relationship right with God, and then others will change their perspective of us (Proverbs 16.7). 
  • Be slow to anger (Proverbs 15.18, cf. James 1.19). 
  • Not speculate (Proverbs 18.13). 
  • Not quarrel (Proverbs 20.3). 
  • Speak gently (Proverbs 15.1). 
  • Speak less (Proverbs 10.19). 
  • Be loving (Proverbs 10.12). 
  • Offer honest criticism instead of flattery (Proverbs 28.23). 

Yes, correctly applying God’s wisdom can ensure that we enjoy the blessings of good friends in this life. And there is a blessing in a friendship that Solomon reminds us of in Ecclesiastes 4.9-12: 

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” (Ecclesiastes 4.9-12 NASB1995)  

Let us seek and be good friends with one another. 

Marks Of True Friendship

Henry Adams wrote, “One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, and three are hardly possible.” While I do not share his pessimism or cynicism, I do believe that true, close friends are certainly not prevalent. There are too many factors at play. Friendships take time, trust, and transparency. Some things can be barriers to developing close companionship from contrasting values to clashing viewpoints.

The Bible gives insight into factors essential to building true, lasting friendships. Since God made man, He knows what makes us tick and operate at our optimism levels. Here are four quick principles:

A Friend Loves At All Times (Proverbs 17:17).

Solomon does not suggest blind loyalty or blanket endorsement. Scripture does not encourage fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness (Eph. 5:11), but it also points out that we all struggle with sin problems (Rom. 3:23). We also are prone to weak moments and we go through trials and reverses of fortune. It is a blessing to know we have people we can count on to be there even when we’re not at our best or enjoying our mountaintop moments (Heb. 12:12-13; Rom. 12:15).

For The Despairing Man, There Should Be Kindness From His Friend (Job 6:14).

For every one we exchange superficial greetings with, even as we are carrying our hidden cares, we need true friends to turn to for help when we face deep needs in our hours of trial. Rare is the friend who knows, sympathizes, and is ready to help with a kind word or deed. You can imagine how Job’s friends added to his despair by failing to offer that when he needed it most. So many things bring despair–job loss, family crisis, financial reverse, health issues, and other life changes. It is then that astute acts of kindness make a lasting impact and forge true friendships.

If They Fall, One Will Lift Up His Fellow (Ecc. 4:10).

Solomon does not specify whether the falling is physical, emotional, or spiritual. No matter what makes us fall, it is the trustworthy response of a friend that he focuses on. How tragic not to have someone in our lives with a ready hand when we are sinking! What if we are falling away from God (Jas. 5:19-20)? What if we are losing faith or overwhelmed (Mat. 14:30)? “The Lord sustains all who fall” (Ps. 145:14), and what a blessing when He does so through a faithful friend!

Faithful Are The Wounds Of A Friend (Prov. 27:6).

We need people in our lives who are more than “yes” men and women. True friends care enough to correct if we are going off course. We need those who don’t just rubber stamp our speech, validate our every action, or automatically take our side. None of that helps us refine our character or makes us fit for the Master’s use. It’s not easy to tell someone we like and care about that they’ve fallen short in some way, but having a friend that deep and genuine is a true blessing in life.

These passages challenge me to ask, “What kind of friend am I to others?” Am I deeper than a fellow sport’s fan, a person with common interests, or even a co-member of the church? Can I be counted on to be there in the valleys as well as the mountaintop days? Can I be trusted with kindness on despairing days? Am I a lifter? Do I have the courage even to say the difficult things in difficult moments? I want to be that kind of friend to my friends!

Some of our dearest friends, whom we were blessed to see this past weekend.