Neal Pollard
You have heard of the trophy wife or, less frequently, the trophy husband. Husbands and wives get tired of each other, drift apart, and forget what drew them together in the first place. Conflict, tension, and turmoil transform sweet young couples into bitter old adversaries. So often, even with professed believers, one or both parties forget God’s wisdom: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). They forget the sentiment of the first husband: “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23).
On a few occasions, God specifically exhorts the marriage partner to take a different attitude toward his or her spouse. Consider Solomon’s inspired advice in Proverbs 5. He writes, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (18). This encompasses faithfulness (15-17), sexual satisfaction (19), and integrity (20-21). Isaiah illustrates spiritual infidelity with a spouse who spurns the one he made vows to in their youthful prime, saying, ‘For the Lord has called you, Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected,’ Says your God” (Isaiah 54:6). Finally, the prophet Malachi highlights the literal problem of husbands abandoning the wives who pledged themselves to these men before the ravages of time and toil. Angrily, God warns, “Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. ‘For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘and him who covers his garment with wrong,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously'” (Malachi 2:14-16).
When you say “I do,” it is without the benefit of a crystal ball. You say “for better or for worse,” not having any idea of all that will follow. You don’t know, but God does. Having the benefit of divine foreknowledge, He still calls not just for permanence but for taking pleasure in the marriage even as the decades begin to accumulate. What are some ways we can do that in our marriages?
- Don’t leave it unsaid. How common to assume we appreciate the good and good deeds of others! Never miss an opportunity to express gratitude to your mate for precious memories, blessings, and assistance they’ve given you through the lifetime of your marriage (cf. Ephesians 5:4).
- Keep doing the little things. There are different rituals in every relationship. One spouse appreciates things others might not so much. But you know what your spouse likes to hear, to see, and to experience. Compliments, acts of service, moments of physical touch, listening when distracted or in a hurry, or whatever those specific things are all constitute “the little things” (cf. Song of Solomon 2:15; Proverbs 25:11; Colossians 4:6).
- Practice the golden rule (Luke 6:31). Just as we should show empathy in our public, church, and other extended relationships, our spouse deserves it, too. Treat your spouse the way you want your spouse to treat you. Do you want to hear that your spouse is still attracted to you, dependent on you, an admirer of you? Do inventory of such things you desire and appreciate and demonstrate them to your mate.
- Count the blessings they’ve brought into your life. Here is a tangible exercise that can be repeated throughout married life. Perhaps it would help to actually get a pad of paper and write them down (it won’t be a bad thing if your spouse finds the list). Be specific. Put some time and thought into it. Just writing it down will deepen your gratitude for the “spouse of your youth.”
- Revisit those formidable moments. Reminisce about your first date, your dating days, your wedding day, those early days of married life including the birth of children, special days, vacations, and spiritual milestones enjoyed together. Do it from time to time. Because you are a sinner married to a sinner, you disappoint, hurt, transgress against, and betray each other at times. Life gets mundane and tedious. You face stress and pain in this fallen world (Job 14:1). God gives us memory, and we can choose to make it a blessing. Remember (cf. Luke 16:25).
- Look for the youth through the years. Time does its inevitable work on everyone. She (or he) cannot retain the polish of those early days, as wrinkles, pounds, and various blemishes are destined to come. But love and devotion see something far more attractive as the years press on–growth, character, acts of love, dependability, and transformation. Think of the things that drew you to your mate, however long ago that was. She (or he) is still that person, refined by time and experience.
There is beauty in youth and the prime of life, but there’s something profoundly more precious that follows. It’s forged by history and the Hands of the Master Sculptor, who shapes us as we strive to be more Christlike. Every day you participate in your marriage, you are building something better. God wants you to stand on the pinnacle and look back with eyes full of appreciation at where you have been with your spouse. As you admire that, express it to your mate!
